I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
