At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
