we're chasing vodka with high fives
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The Olympian is in my bed
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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