A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize