Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
