I puked a lego.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize