Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
