I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
