The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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