Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
