We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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