I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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