i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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