how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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