Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He passed out mid-signature
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
