wrigley field is MILF paradise
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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