If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
