I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
