I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize