Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
