My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
