I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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