I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
