I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
