just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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