Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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