I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize