a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Randomize
