oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
