Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
