fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
