Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
