in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
