nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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