she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
