im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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