whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
