i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize