my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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