capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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