Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
