WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
