people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
A+ Viking dick
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
