Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
