im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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