Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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