Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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