two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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