i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
