nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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