ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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