I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
