Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
