After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
