ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
