I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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