We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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