There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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