you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
