man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
